Investments & Adventures: May

Well this month most certainly did not go the way I expected. BUT, it went God’s way, and for that I could not be happier. May’s investment was in self care, and my adventure was packing my apartment up (actually, my dad doing so) in less than a week and preparing to move back across the country.

When May started, I decided to invest in self care because I knew grad school would be starting and taking over my life. I wasn’t exaggerating or overestimating whatsoever. This MBA program has truly taken over the majority of my time. I wake up before 5am almost every morning to get some schoolwork done before I go to work. Most days, I have to continue working on school stuff when I get home. I have off work one day per week to take my proctored exams and to focus just on school. I also devote Saturdays and Sundays for this, while still going to church and finding time to spend with friends. I easily spend about 30 hours per week on school stuff, but to be honest, I wouldn’t change a thing. My education has always been my priority and I don’t take the blessing of these opportunities for granted.

Due to all this going on, my first act of self care was buying a bunch of plants and outdoor seating for my balcony to create a cozy space for me to get away. Sadly this became futile since I ended up moving out of that apartment, but more on that soon. I had planned an amazing solo trip to Telluride that I ended up having to cancel due to school, the move, and a couple other factors. It was a tough decision for me to come to, but an invaluable lesson in sacrifice which I know God is leading me in.

So you’re probably wondering why I would be moving after all of the amazing things I’ve talked Colorado up to be. Believe me, they’re all true, but this month I learned that sometimes God has different plans for us than we had for ourselves, but trusting Him in them is a greater adventure than any we could come up with ourselves.

As I mentioned in last month’s I&A blog, going home for Easter was the hardest “exit” I’ve had since moving to Colorado, by far. For some reason, I felt differently than I ever had about the idea of moving back home. My heart felt so hesitant to leave my family behind again, but this time, having no idea how long it would be before I would see them all next. I talked about the possibility of moving back, as my lease would soon be up, but my immediate reaction was to stick to my guns of not letting there be a chance I would leave Colorado so soon. I had found a home here, truly started my “big girl” life here, and found a love for the outdoors that was waiting to be unleashed for longer than I realized. But, God was moving. God was leading. God was showing me He really knows what’s best for me.

My dad brought up the idea of moving again while on Facetime with me a few weeks after getting back to Colorado, visibly seeing the anxiety I had been bottling up since school had started. I had to figure out a way to not work full time anymore (since I knew I couldn’t also balance full time school) but still pay my bills, work hard enough to succeed in my classes but still keep my sanity, and find enough time to enjoy myself, friends, and family, but still balance all my other obligations. On that phone call I quickly realized that this would not be possible while staying in Colorado. My anxiety levels had not been this high since my worst days, and that was clear to my family members who know me better than anyone. Without having them close by to rely on for comfort & support during this stressful season of being in grad school, I knew I would soon reach my wit’s end. So after prayer, discussions with family, and a lot of self-reflection, I decided to move back to Virginia/North Carolina. My dad did not skip a beat before buying a plane ticket to Colorado to pack up my apartment for me (only two days later I might add) while I continued to work and do my schoolwork. He knew that after recovering from two hand surgeries to boot, I wouldn’t be able to manage packing up by myself so soon (even though I tried to convince him I could). Words can’t describe how grateful I am for all he’s done to make this move (and the last) possible for me.

As many of you know, my grandparents own the best breakfast restaurant in Chesapeake, VA. My grandma, the manager, has been in severe pain for years due to her knees. The surgeries she needs would put her out of the restaurant for months, so she put them off, worried about how the restaurant would stay afloat while she was out. Well, that’s where God had a plan all along. I’m literally going to school for Business and Hospitality Management– I don’t find it a coincidence that the exact place my family needs me is the same place where I can get more relevant, valuable work experience than I can right now here in Colorado. I’ll be able to manage my schoolwork so much easier with the opportunity to choose many of my own work hours (not to mention the restaurant is only open from 6am-2pm anyway) and still learn the ins and outs of running a business as I help my grandma out during her time away. I’ll also be able to save incredible amounts of money while I finish my degree, so that when I do, I’ll have the world open up to me again for whatever opportunities may come my way in my career.

Discerning what God wanted me to do in this situation was MUCH more difficult than when I knew He was calling me to Colorado. I was so conflicted because not one part of me would have ever thought of moving back to Virginia/North Carolina only a month before. Because of this, I knew it was only God who could have allowed my heart to change so drastically, so quickly. The peace I had with the decision was all I needed to know that this is how God had divinely arranged the timing of my life, my family’s lives, and each step I took along the way of getting here. I can’t wait to be able to spend time with my family again. Leaving the house a month after turning 17 for college was a decision I made with sacrifices in tact, and moving across the country a month before turning 20 included even more. But those decisions and sacrifices taught me so much about myself, about the nature of our God, and about how I want my will for my life to align perfectly with His. So here I am, taking another leap of faith, but one that takes me just one step closer to all that the Lord wants to do in and through my life.

Chosen, Not Rejected

This is my second time sitting down to write this post after at least a month of knowing it needed to be written. I’ve recently recognized a heart issue I have: rejection. Not being (or rather, feeling) chosen. Somebody else getting what I wanted. Again. This rejection I’ve felt has come from friends, men (shocker), job situations, and even family members. It’s a heart issue that I didn’t want to admit I had for quite a long time. I stopped writing this the first time because it felt too difficult. I didn’t want to think about all of the ways I’ve felt this rejection, this feeling of being unwanted. I didn’t know if I could muster the right words to actually encourage someone in this area when in reality, I struggle with it more than I probably even realize. But of course, as soon as I closed my laptop and walked away, a perfect example of those feelings entered my day and left me feeling rejected. In that moment, God whispered to me to start again. He knew I needed to write this post for myself as much as someone else needs to read these words.

Does this issue of rejection sound familiar to you? Watching someone choose something or someone else over you, or watching an opportunity you prayed for pass you by? I’m sure all of us have experienced this at one point or another. Once I realized this is a daily struggle of mine, I knew I needed to actively pursue a path to freedom from these feelings. A few weeks ago I found something out which made me feel the ultimate rejection of not being good enough, not being wanted, and not being chosen. That night, God spoke a word into my heart that I’ve echoed to myself daily since then: “I chose you before your existence and I still choose you every day.”

In that moment, I felt an overwhelming sense of sorrow and guilt for having put so much value into the opinions of man when the only acceptance I’ve ever needed from anyone, I’ve had since the beginning of time. I’m here to tell somebody something today.

You’ve spent too much time thinking about why that opportunity didn’t pan out. 

You’ve wasted too much of your precious energy getting angry at people for leaving you out and forgetting about you.

You’ve occupied too many days wondering what you could have done better to earn the acceptance of someone who never should have gotten that much control over your heart in the first place.

Even as I continue writing this, thoughts of rejection keep filling my mind. The times where I wasn’t chosen by someone else still creep in. I can’t help but think of when I’ve been forgotten, left out, or abandoned. It’s a continuous battle to put the words of the Lord at the forefront of our minds and let them sing louder than those of any other person. But when we learn to, His voice becomes a comfort stronger than the fuzziest blanket or best home-cooked meal you’ve ever had.

Jesus will never forget about you.

Jesus will never leave you.

Jesus will never abandon you.

He only wants to remind you that you are chosen, not rejected, and He wants to keep choosing you every single day. Forever.

“Even before the world was made, God had already chosen us to be his through our union with Christ, so that we would be holy and without fault before him. Because of his love God had already decided that through Jesus Christ he would make us his children–this was his pleasure and purpose.” Ephesians 1:4-5

For your good & His glory

In the more recent months, I’ve learned more about myself than the years of my life prior, combined. This includes becoming aware of some personal characteristics (but actually, challenges) of mine, a couple of which have seemed to become more noticeable to me amongst all of the life changes I’ve had lately. For some reason by what I know was the prompting of the Holy Spirit, today I felt compelled to share a bit about these struggles to hopefully create some encouragement from them. For whomever might read this post, but probably more importantly, for myself as I’ve grown increasingly discouraged by the way they’ve affected my life.

As a prelude to the more specific characteristics, you must understand that I’m an exceptionally emotional person. While any of my closest friends or family could tell you that, only God really knows what I mean when I say this because it is easily what I would consider the primary descriptor of my personality. Because of this, I tend to get my hopes up very easily at the slightest possibility of a positive or desirable circumstance. This is my first challenge. I get extremely excited about things, even if nothing is guaranteed, because I’ve become a way more positive person than I ever used to be. But then sometimes– life happens. Things end up differently than I expected. It’s at this point where the next challenge comes in: I feel stupid and embarrassed about the expectations I had set, things I had said to other people with higher hopes than I should’ve had, and the level of disappointment I subsequently begin to feel. I’ve struggled with anxiety for the majority of my life (a story for another day) and I’ve learned that changed plans and the most minor of disappointments are a couple of the worst triggers of that for me. Whenever these feelings of disappointment, anxiety, or embarrassment set in, I simply tell myself that I’m never going to get my hopes up again because all I ever do is get let down.

Yeah, because that’s the right attitude to have. This is one of my greatest challenges, to accept when things don’t go my way, with grace. Because often life just doesn’t go the way we expected it would. Sometimes people let us down, hurt our feelings, or turn out to be different than we’d hoped. Sometimes God tells us “not yet,” and we have to wait a little longer for the object of our desire. It’s at these times where I need to remind myself that it’s okay for me to be upset about things, and I should never be ashamed of feeling that way. If God cares enough to number and name each of the stars (Psalm 147:4), shouldn’t I know that He cares about what’s disappointed me?

Our God cares about all the minute details of our lives. He sees me when I’m crying without even understanding why. He sees me while I wait for what my heart so badly longs for. He sees me when I’m disappointed over what others might say is something insignificant or unworthy. And the best part? He doesn’t judge me for a second. I can put my faith in Him to deliver me through whatever size trial is phasing me, just as I’ve seen Him do time after time in my life and the lives of others. Sometimes the trial for me is as small as being excited to go somewhere one evening, then plans being changed at the last minute. Other times it’s bigger, like going many months hoping for something I’m not even sure will ever happen. Whatever your trial is, just know that the Lord sees your pain, and He is actively working to change circumstances, hearts, and lives for your good and His glory.

“Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s spirit is right alongside us helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.” Romans 8:26-28

Unraveling “The Joy Model”

The idea behind this particular blog post is simply to synthesize & share the practical model for cultivating joy created by Jeff Spadafora in his book, The Joy Model. I recently finished this “step-by-step guide” which I believe can help nearly anyone (including myself) in a determination to discover greater purpose in everyday life through an implementation of Christian values and appropriate balance of “being” and “doing.”

The primary issue tackled in this book is the fact that millions, if not billions, of people on Earth struggle with a consuming discontent with their lives. They feel they have little purpose, mindlessly going through the motions of day-to-day life in order to provide for their families or at the very least, maintain their own sanity. The book seems to be geared more toward middle-aged adults, however as a young adult I still found the basic message to be incredibly relevant. Since I went all-in for Jesus last year, I began feeling an overwhelming heartache at the thought of so many people who are unhappy, unable to see the beauty that lies around us regardless of circumstances. This book provides an empirical process for shifting our focus off of ourselves and our own dissatisfactions, onto a higher purpose of sustaining peace and serving others which we’ve all been called toward.

Shown below is the diagram of The Joy Model– where the objective is to find ourselves in the place of “the Joyful Follower” in terms of balancing our being (“the spiritual process of growing in the knowledge of God and of myself” p. 25) and our doing (“living out all that I am learning and becoming in all aspects of my life” p. 25). Many of us find ourselves in the other three quadrants. “The Frustrated Believer” fails to allow their soul to be nourished, stuck in the seemingly tedious routine of squeezing a prayer in here or there in the midst of a busier-than-thou lifestyle. They struggle with a lack of spiritual growth and encounters with the Holy Spirit, both of which are crucial to our ultimate godly joy. “The Weary Worker” wears themselves down with good deeds motivated by negative emotions such as guilt or shame, as opposed to love and gratitude. They are stuck in this quadrant based on their misguided need to prove themselves (either to God or to those around them) as worthy and holy believers. A disconnect from intimacy with the Lord is where the problem lies. “The Heartless Hypocrite” experiences a stagnant heart which inhibits the person’s life from changing altogether. They might often look spiritual on the outside, yet fail to become aware of who God created them to be because they aren’t actually living fully in His presence.

In order to find ourselves in the desired upper right-hand quadrant, Spadafora developed a M.A.S.T.E.R. Plan to aid believers in reaching their highest potential for joy in Christ. While the book obviously goes into depth with the explanation of these six steps, I chose a key line or two from each section which summarizes the magnitude of each piece of the plan.

Margin

“You won’t experience purpose, meaning, and joy if you don’t create margin in your calendar to proactively make changes in your life” (p. 43). The constant pursuit of wealth, power, knowledge, travel, etc. are all “meaningless, a chasing after the wind” (Ecclesiastes 1:14), therefore we must prioritize what we value in life and make time for the things that will aid us in getting where we want to go.

Abiding

“If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you” (John 15:7). All abide means is simply “to be with” or “to live with,” which is how we achieve the “being” aspect of the Joy Model. We do this by studying the Bible, meditating/memorizing on the Word, prayer, silence/solitude, Christian camaraderie, fasting, and through music and nature.

Self-Awareness

“Understanding who you are–how God uniquely put you together–is critical to building a life of joy… Self-awareness reveals your passions, strengths, blind spots, and environments you thrive in, as well as your fears, selfishness, pride, and worries” (p. 100). When we determine these things, we unleash the power found in knowing how God strategically knit us together to ultimately be in service to others for His glory.

Treasure

If your priority is joy but you can’t seem to grasp it, search your heart to see if money fears are standing in the way” (p. 125). If our priorities are wrong and we are not truly trusting God in every area of our lives, including in our finances, we will never attain the free and joyful life He has called us to. We must take courageous steps, trusting Him with our various treasures, in order to reach that outcome.

Engagement

“God’s plan isn’t just to save us so we can go to heaven after we die. His plan is to enlist us in doing His work” (p. 127). What divine purpose we have when we see this way! There is so much more to life than working ourselves to death, literally. When we engage in His mission for us, we find the truest joy in finding meaning for our lives and pleasing Him while doing it. “God has already told us what to do. Our job is to figure out how to use our unique skills, resources, platform, and relationships to impact one or more of those assignments.” How, you might ask?

1. Apply the skills that give you energy
2. To a cause that makes God and you mad, sad, or glad
3. In an organization with the right role and culture for you
4. Do it all in Jesus’ name.” (p. 135)

Relationships

“Relationships are hard. They take time. Conflict happens, and we too easily revert back to our win-lose approaches rather than win-win. But the time and effort you put into your relationships will contribute to the joy and fulfillment in your life (p. 158). Spadafora considers this element to perhaps be the most important in the determination of joy. No matter how much we engage in our calling, we won’t find the joy lasts until we learn how to balance nourishing our relationships with family and friends.

None of these elements are successful on their own, but a proactive pursuit of each of them will ultimately help lead you toward a more joyful, purposed life. I’ve never been one to believe there is an easy method to attaining anything as desirable as “true joy,” however I do believe that commitment to a thought-out guide such as that of The Joy Model will greatly propel someone in the right direction. If any of the above material stood out to you, or you have a propensity for feeling inexplicably unfulfilled, I highly encourage you to read this book for yourself. I have never experienced a joy the way I do in my relationship with Jesus Christ, and I genuinely want everyone I know to feel the same. While this book or the principles laid out within it are nowhere near an instant-fix to an unhappy life, they are a great start for those who are seeking more “peace, purpose, and balance.”

(A proper citation as a nod to my college professors’ relentless spiels about plagiarism)

Spadafora, J. (2016). The Joy Model: A Step-By-Step Guide to Peace, Purpose, and Balance. Nashville, TN: Nelson Books.

A First Calling

Just two years ago, I had decided to switch from a Criminology major to an Oceanography major. Seeing as I ended up getting my degree in Recreation & am moving to the mountains, it’s obvious that didn’t last very long. When I first became a Recreation major, I really had no clue what I wanted to do in the field. There are countless options of career paths to get into with the major I finally decided on, & for a while I was lost trying to narrow them down. A beautiful friend of mine by the name of Brooke (the same friend who let me stay with her as I mentioned in my “Going All In For Jesus” post) told me a little bit about her job as a counselor at the YMCA when we lived together over the summer of 2017. At the time my practicum was about to be over & I was going to be left without a job for the remainder of the summer. To make a long story short, I ended up getting hired as a Camp Counselor and ended up transitioning into an Afterschool Counselor position shortly thereafter.

I’ve always loved kids, but I had never really considered a career that involved working with them daily. With my part-time position with the Y, I quickly realized that I genuinely enjoyed the job each & every day. Even when I was in the worst mood, coming into work & being with our kids made me leave all my cares & concerns behind. Because of that job (& Brooke’s influence which got me there), I discovered a first calling on my life by the Lord to pursue a career that impacted the lives of children.

Since then I’ve also discovered that my area of passionate ministry is the military community. My upcoming internship will allow me to serve children in military families through recreational & educational opportunities as well as through general loving care. When I received my offer for this internship, in my state of choice no less, it confirmed to me all that I believed God was calling me to do. And it all started with that initial Camp Counselor gig that made me realize the joy I so easily find every time I’m around our youngest generation.

Today was my last day of work at the YMCA, at least here in Wilmington. I found myself tearing up at the thought of the fact that I’ll likely never see any of our kids again, and full-on crying when I saw the most wonderful sign on the wall with a goodbye note written from each of them. Those elementary schoolers may not even remember me when they get older, but boy I wish they knew how much they mean to me. It took nowhere near the entirety of my eight months spent with them to realize that I want to keep impacting the lives of our youth for years to come. I can’t even imagine being in the career fields I once thought were my perfect fit, which just goes to show that God knows me better than I know myself & He brought me exactly where I needed to be, when I needed to be there. Even though I’m going to miss the YMCA, my coworkers, & those kids immensely, I know that the Lord will provide new opportunities for me to pursue this call on my life throughout my internship & beyond.

Going All In For Jesus

Toward the end of last year my life changed in a significant way. My heart was broken and I had no idea what else to do but turn to Jesus. I’ve always been a Christian and grew up in the church, however I’ve never experienced the true peace that comes with a relationship with God until this time in my life. I can’t even describe the way the Lord surrounded me in His love as I spent countless days & nights feeling confused & defeated, trying to figure out what went wrong, looking back on the past. That’s not to say that I don’t do those things anymore, because I definitely do. But what’s different is that I don’t let those things have a stronghold over my life, because the truths I’ve learned about God & His faithfulness prove to have much greater power.

During this hardship I began to look to Jesus in everything I did. Because if I’m perfectly honest, there were times where I was hurting so badly that I didn’t know how I could get out of bed without laying all of my pain at His feet, trusting Him to get me through each day one at a time. I so clearly remember waking up in one my best friends’ bed the first morning after my world was flipped upside down (not to be dramatic, but this is actually how it felt) and having the first thing I saw be a sign in her room that read “Be Strong & Courageous.” In that moment of re-realization of what had just happened, where I truly thought I would be an emotional, unstable wreck– simply seeing that sign somehow put all of the strength & courage imaginable inside of me. The peace I felt in that moment I still cannot put into words, no matter how many times I’ve tried to explain it to friends. The only way I know how to describe it is that God was in that room with me, His presence fully encompassing me, ready to take me on a journey to know His heart.

Shortly before all of this happened but even more so after, I began to do devotionals on YouVersion (the Bible app, 10/10 recommend to anyone at all stages of faith), read my Bible daily, pray consistently, attend & serve at church, and surround myself with a godly community of friends. Along with some of these practices came an awareness of my sins & shortcomings, as well as the natural desire to surrender some bad habits. Every day since that time I have seen the Love & Hope of Jesus in new ways, heard His voice clearer than ever before, & grown to know that I am infinitely loved by the Lord. The best part is, He loved me no less when I lived my life paying no mind to Him than He does where I am today. He orchestrated all of my steps so that one day, I would make the decision to go all in for Him after He relentlessly pursued me through my seasons of dismissal. Because of the never-changing grace He’s shown me, I can’t help but want to share that with as many people as possible so that they know how easy it is to experience a peace greater than you can even imagine. All you have to do is say yes to Him.

Today in church we looked at Philippians 2:9 and talked about how God exalted Jesus and gave Him the name above all names. Without realizing it, this principle is what I’ve been growing to learn over these months of transformation.

The name of Jesus is above the name of heartbreak.

The name of Jesus is above the name of loneliness.

The name of Jesus is above the name of anxiety.

The name of Jesus is above the name of whatever individual battle you are facing, and He wants to be in relationship with you so that He can give you peace that surpasses all understanding.